Mamacita says: These are, of course, Things Nice People Already Know.
Basic Elevator Etiquette for Dummies:
1. Push the appropriate button. If the button is already glowing, do not push it. If you repeatedly push an already-glowing button, everybody will know what you are.
2. Stand back. LEAVE ROOM FOR PEOPLE TO EMERGE FROM THE ELEVATOR.
3. When the door opens, WAIT UNTIL EVERYBODY IS OUT BEFORE YOU GO IN.
4. The people coming out of the elevator have the right-of-way over the people going into the elevator.
5. WHEN THE ELEVATOR IS COMPLETELY EMPTY, then and only then, calmly walk towards the open door. Do not push. Do not shove. The elevator is not going anywhere. It’s not like a subway, or a train, or an airport shuttle. Step inside the elevator and position yourself as far away from the other passengers as possible. If the elevator is crowded, do not take up more than your fair share of space no matter what you might be carrying. Hold your packages close to your body. Pull your wheeled briefcase as close to you as possible. Do not allow your child to touch anything or anybody, or move away from you for any reason.
6. Anyone who farts or who has a lighted cigarette in an elevator is fair game for murder. Nobody will tell on you. Everybody will help. You might even get a medal. If not, you should.
7. Once inside the elevator, do not reach across people to push a button. If your button is not already glowing, ask someone near the buttons to push it for you. Be sure to say please, and thank them nicely when they do it. Do not use a tone of voice that suggests that you’ve seen too many old movies about buildings that employ an actual elevator man.
8. If you stink, take the stairs. I’m not kidding.
9. ESPECIALLY do not violate #’s 2 and 3.
10 If you violate #’s 2 and 3, you are an idiot. “Dummies” books are beyond your intellect. You suck. You’re probably ugly. Your mother dresses you funny. You smell bad. Nobody likes you. Your spouse is changing the locks as we speak. Your children tell their friends that you are the boarder, and that their real parent lives in Paris and films documentaries.
There. Now you know one way to tell smart people from stupid people, and nice people from rude people. It’s a pretty good indicator.
Elevator etiquette is a kind of social media, you know. When you or your representative behave like a tool in the elevator, I consider that to be an indication of how you conduct your business and treat people in general. And if I see you doing any of the above things, then no, thank you very much; I’m no longer interested in doing business with you. Rude and stupid outside the office = rude and stupid inside the office.
“Let me sum up,” as Inigo Montoya might say.
Rude, crude people used to be the exception, and everybody else pointed and laughed at them. Sadly, rude crude people are now the norm, and sometimes I think they’re competing with each other for the rudest crudest simpletonian numbskull award.
There would be a lot of ties. Someone would probably turn it into a reality show.