The three good doctors want to know about bad date experiences. Their wish is my command. But. . . only ONE? I think not.

The date that took me to the drive-in theater in the middle of winter? Where you could rent a tiny little heater for your car that melted the vinyl in the front seat? And watch “Deep Throat” even though you were only 18? The date who laughed at me when I threw up during one of the more lurid scenes? The date who told me that since I’d now seen the training film, he’d definitely call me next weekend? That guy? I dumped a cup of ice down his shirt at my dorm door, and wrote his phone number on the inside of the restroom door at the Bluebird. I think he later married someone who found his number there and called him.

The guy who took me to an organ recital, and afterwards suggested he give an organ recital himself? With his own organ? Before I even knew his last name? Who introduced me as his ‘future wife?’ Whose mother loved me? And called me all the time to tell me that he’d be a good husband if I’d just give him a chance? Who didn’t understand why I laughed when she said he was musical?

The guy who took me to the fair, and the Ferris wheel got stuck, and we were at the top, and he said that since he now had a captive audience, I should check out his penis. So I did. It was very small, and I think it was growing smaller in the high winds that were blowing across it, at the top of the Ferris Wheel. I made a comment about how I thought I could see it actually shinking before my very eyes. After that, it shrank even faster. I was not interested in touching it, despite his very generous offer. When we finally came down to earth again, we went to a booth and got some hot dogs. The irony of this was lost on him. I, however, giggled so hard I choked and snorted mustard. Now you know where Belle gets her talent. Um, for snorting, I mean.

My dates with Charley, wherein I spent much time in the restroom of his wacked-out church, and in his car behind the gas station, drinking pop from the vending machine, lest he be seen with a short-haired, jeans-clad heathen.

The guy who took me canoeing at Yellowwood, and forgot the canoe? Coincidentally, he did remember the tent. I’m sure he was very comfortable in it all night. I really wouldn’t know, because I caught a ride back to campus with some friends who happened to be there.

My date with Mick, which I had anticipated for weeks. We had tickets to see a play. When we got there, we discovered that due to one of life’s many trick-playing coincidences, our seats were right next to MY PARENTS. They insisted on taking us out for ice cream after the show. We went. He never called again. But when he applied for the CIA, they sent their men to the dorm to interview everyone who had ever known Mick. Including me and my pitiful little story. Who says g-men have no sense of humor? I could hear those guys laughing through the closed door, behind me. He got the job. I think he’s still working for them. Who knows? Everything’s all secret with that stuff. Hey Mick. If you’re monitoring blogs these days, I thought you were gorgeous. Just to let you know.

I once went with a carload of guys to see a triple x movie. I’d never seen one before. It was one of the more stupid stunts I’ve pulled in my life. Fortunately, it was a carload of nice guys. Nice guys who went to the porn drive-in. Nobody laid a hand on me. It had never occurred to me that anyone even might. Gah, so stupid. The xxx film was from the fifties. All the private parts had little whirling circles to cover them. Picture that, if you can. Three for the women, one for the man. Whirling circles. It was more xxx-ish than the real thing. To this day, when I see a windmill or a whirligig toy, I get the giggle fits. I consider that evening a date, of sorts. I was lucky to come out of it alive. I was lucky, period. I was so stupid.

I think my problem was, that I was way too naive for my own good, for far too long. Small town girl, let loose in a liberal college town, first time away from home, etc. I hadn’t been anywhere, or done anything, and I had been brought up to trust people. Whoah, danger, Will Robinson. Tee hee. Fortunately, I was a fast learner. Unfortunately, I was a fast learner.

Hey Mick. You should have stuck around. You were cute. And since you didn’t call me again, you were also very, very short.