1. I’ve never been to a spa. I have a sort of thing about people touching my feet, and if I got a manicure, I know I’d peel it all off before the sun went down. Also? My fingernails are so absolutely rock hard that it would embarrass me to hear the noise when the manicurist tried to clip them.
2. I still haven’t ever used an ATM machine.
3. I don’t speed. I drive the speed limit. If the weather is bad, I drive below the speed limit. This insistence on obeying the law frustrates a lot of people, to whom I say, “Pfft.”
4. I have not yet conquered my aversion to people who don’t read. People who can’t read, I would help with every breath I took, but people who DON’T read? To hell with them.
5. I will never like people who don’t like Harry Potter. I don’t intend to even try. Such people are not worth the effort.
6. I will never approve of any piece of writing being censored, brought up to date, or touched in any way, shape, or form by the Political Correctness Police. Changing stories to suit the times or beliefs should be a capital offense. Yes, I know that means death. I meant it to mean death. Leave books alone.
7. I still hate peas. I hate their taste, their smell, and the icky way they develop a sort of film in the bowl. However, I do, on occasion, enjoy the little “pea roll” games on the table. Peas flick and roll really well. You can’t do that with a green bean.
8. People who bring dogs to public events? Haven’t learn to endure them yet. Service dog: fine. Sweet yappy little Muffin, wrapped in a hand-knitted sweater and riding in his vewwy own widdle cawwying case? Pathetic. And smelly.
9. I have never watched Spongebob. Not interested. (Never watching Spongebob has replaced never watching Oprah.)
10. If you don’t approve of Harry Potter, yet have a shelf full of Disney animated films, you are a bloody hypocrite, unworthy of the respect of any living thing on this and any other planet, solar system, or universe, regular or alternate. I will never like, respect, or even try to endure you. “Asinine” was never meant to be a lifestyle, morons.
Am I a snob? Maybe, just a little. Aren’t you? Why not? Shouldn’t everybody be, in some areas of life?
And if you’re going to be a moron, you should at least aim for consistency.
Bibbidi-bobbidi-boo is a MAGIC SPELL. Live with it.
Or, deprive your kids of the experience; that’s your business. But when they hit college and don’t have enough schema to make connections, don’t be surprised if they wash out.
Tinker Bell was a slut. The mermaids were killers. The Lost Boys tried to shoot Wendy out of the sky, and succeeded. And if you knew what Red Riding Hood and the Wolf really did, or just how evil Hansel and Gretel’s witch was, or the fate of Cinderella’s stepmother, or how many times the wicked queen tried to kill Snow White, you’d pass out cold.
I’d pay a dollar to see that. *
Extra credit if you know that reference.
Oh, one more thing I still haven’t done? Learned to deal calmly with people who don’t appreciate learning unless it conforms to their preconceived notions and beliefs and doesn’t rock the boat.