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Bottom. Bare. Hole. Suck. Rubbers. Batteries. Long Hard Thing. Lots of Screws.

by Jane Goodwin | Oct 14, 2006 | General | 0 Comments

I made two pecan pies, and whenever I bake I get flour all over the kitchen floor.

Please note: there is flour all over the kitchen floor. See the flour? It’s from pies.

I got out my trusty vacuum cleaner, turned the clicker thing from ‘carpet’ to ‘bare floor’ and whisked it over the mess.

Nothing but a stirring of the mess. No suckage. I thought maybe the hole thing was plugged. I stuck a butter knife down the hole. There was nothing plugged in there. It should have been sucking. I thought that maybe the plug had gone so far inside that fingers could not reach it.

So, I got out my Phillips screwdriver, removed about ten thousand small black screws from the plate thing on the bottom, and lifted it up.

A million more things fell out into my hand and onto the floor, among them the little black rubber thing that made the long round brushy thing go round and round to loosen the crud so the long pipe thing could suck it up. Some weird white things fell out, too. Also, a motorish-looking thing about the size of a D battery, attached to the innards somewhere up the pipe where even my flashlight couldn’t see, fell out.

The motorish-looking thing looked scary and potentially shocking, which reminded me that the sweeper was still plugged into the socket. I think it still is, I don’t know, because after the little white things fell out, I lost interest and came back here to read some blogs.

After while I’ll go look for my broom and take care of the floury floor the old-fashioned way. Or maybe I’ll just wait until we track it all over the house to the point that none of it can be seen any more because it’s ground into the carpets. Remind me to keep an eye on the cat; he jumps to conclusions whenever he sees substances that can be dug into with a paw. And then I’d have to go look for my mop; I know there’s one somewhere in this house.

I don’t think very many people have been reading my blog lately. At least, few people are commenting. Maybe that title will bring ’em in. They’ll be disappointed, but I will feel that my mechanical efforts were not in vain.

I’m sure all the strangers who find me on Google will understand.

P.S. All innuendoes were entirely innocent. I know nothing about such antics. I’m a sweet old lady who bakes pies.

I'm More Than Fair, But I Ain't Your Mother

by Jane Goodwin | Oct 14, 2006 | General | 0 Comments

I have a lot of students who have missed classes. Some of them have only BEEN to class a few times, and the semester is half over. Item: we have a quiz every time we meet. It’s on the syllabus. The semester is half over. That’s a lot of quizzes so far. They were all on the syllabus.

You know, the syllabus? That big thick thing they got on the first day of class, with my name and home phone number and email address and website url and all the semester’s doings on it?

That thang they don’t remember ever getting, yes, that’s the thing of which I speak. I can see it sticking out of their folder. Yes, that thing. If they had looked, they might have seen that tomorrow is the first day of MidTerm Exams.

Ah, yes, Midterms. All the students will take them. Yes, even those students who haven’t shown up for so much as a quiz all semester. Those students might possibly find the big MidTerm Exam somewhat difficult, under the circumstances.

Poor things.

Ordinarily, I do not allow make-up work unless there is a really good reason for the absence. The good students e-mail or call me to tell me of various emergencies, and I allow make-ups for those people.

But some students just won’t allow me to help them.

For the past ten days, ALL the quizzes we’ve had in class so far have been posted on the internet. TEN DAYS. FULL CREDIT. They all knew this.

And, of course, the ones who needed it most did not take advantage of it.

The good ones did. The good ones always do.

But the ones who will come to me at the end of the semester and ask for make-up work so they can pass the course and not have to pay back all that financial aid money that they’ve already spent, never do.

They didn’t get it themselves this time. They won’t get it from me at the end.

Sowwy.

P.S. I’m not really sorry. Not for them, anyway.

P.P.S. I’m sorry for society as a whole because we have to put up with the likes of them, but that’s as far as my sympathy stretches.

P.P.P.S. Because they are big losers.

P.P.P.P.S. I hope they don’t bother asking anyone in the class for their stuff. I told them not to share with any of the slackers. They don’t like them either. I also told the classes what all the bonus questions on the MidTerm would be, last week. Same slackers weren’t there, so they wouldn’t know that. Scheisskopfs.