Nope, still no heat in this house. Nothing but green wet wood that WILL NOT BURN, and the usually reliable woodstove is inconceivably ornery. (“You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means. . . .”)

It’s supposed to get down to eleven degrees tonight (“These go to eleven.”) so after class today I have to go to WalMart (Noooooooooooo. . . . .) and buy an electric space heater. (I’m going to try to heat the universe.) (Beginning with this room.)

Stupid furnace.

I think the thing that makes me maddest is that I am usually FANTASTIC with the one-match-fire. Have I lost my touch? All my life, I have been really, really good at making the wood burst into flames, with one, single, solitary little match. Soaking wet wood, green wood, weird unlabel-able wood. . . it didn’t matter. One match in my hands and it erupted into flames. I have even done the unthinkable, and cheated with charcoal, here. Nothing. What’s happening wit dis? I was FAMOUS for one-match-fires, big ones, long-lasting ones, huge brilliant bursts of enduring heat. (Oh, yeah, make of it what you will. . . .)

Heh.

Not this time, and I don’t like it.

I can’t wait to get to the college; THEY’VE got heat. I hope.

Well now, I don’t do this very often, and this particular SpamPiece has been around for quite a while, but I’m doing it again: posting a piece of forwarded spam here. “Everybody” has seen it a zillion times; I am usually the last person on the planet to get what everybody else got last year.

But when it showed up again, in today’s email, I took it as a sign that maybe I should just post it and hope that people read it and learn something.

Then I deleted the email, with much sighing and possibly a little cursing, aimed at the person who forwarded it to me. (Once in a while, yes. Every thirty seconds, no.) I’ve posted it on here before, but something is telling me to post it again.

I’ve read possibly a dozen people’s names who supposedly authored this SpamPiece, and supposedly, it was aimed at Dr. Laura, but who knows?

Dr. Laura. Hah. Let’s all ask her for advice, okay? Nude pictures of her were posted on the internet; she had an affair with the guy who TOOK the nude pics, while still married to her first husband; she’s a mean-spirited know-it-all who calls people names, tells them to stay in abusive relationships, and won’t even let her callers finish a sentence without interrupting them. She hasn’t spoken to her own mother in years.

Also, she’s NOT a doctor. Not the medical kind, anyway.

Occasionally, I will agree with her, and that really bothers me. Oh well. Even a stopped clock is right twice a day.

Here’s the SpamPiece:

Dear Dr. Laura,

Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding God’s Law. I have learned a great deal from your show, and I try to share that knowledge with as many people as I can. When someone tries to defend the homosexual lifestyle, for example, I simply remind him that Leviticus 18:22 clearly states it to be an abomination. End of debate.

I do need some advice from you, however, regarding some of the specific laws and how to best follow them.

a) When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a pleasing odor for the Lord (Lev 1:9). The problem is my neighbors. They claim the odor is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them?

b) I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in Exodus 21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for her?

c) I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her period of menstrual uncleanliness (Lev 15:19-24). The problem is, how do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offense.

d) Lev. 25:44 states that I may indeed possess slaves, both male and female, provided they are purchased from neighboring nations. A friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans, but not Canadians. Can you clarify? Why can’t I own Canadians?

e) I have a neighbor who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2 clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him myself?

f) A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an Abomination (Lev 11:10), it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality. I don’t agree. Can you settle this?

g) Lev 21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle room here?

h) Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by Lev 19:27. How should they die?

i) I know from Lev 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me unclean, but may I still play football if I wear gloves?

j) My uncle has a farm. He violates Lev 19:19 by planting two different crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing garments made of two different kinds of thread (cotton/polyester blend). He also tends to curse and blaspheme a lot. Is it really necessary that we go to all the trouble of getting the whole town together to stone them? (Lev 24:10-16) Couldn’t we just burn them to death at a private family affair like we do with people who sleep with their in-laws? (Lev. 20:14)

I know you have studied these things extensively, so I am confident you can help.

Thank you again for reminding us that God’s word is eternal and unchanging.

Your devoted disciple and adoring fan,
Any one of many people to whom this letter is attributed

This is a first. Colleges rarely shut down no matter how bad the weather gets. Last year, I nearly had a wreck driving up to the main campus in a terrible snowstorm; all the public schools closed but the campus stayed open. The snow was really coming down.

And speaking of which. . . .

The local campus shut down around noon today, because of a terrible snowstorm and below-zero temperatures.

I’m home, and I still get paid because I was there and got sent home.

If I weren’t freezing to death, I’d be ecstatic.

Oh, and I’m freezing because we have no heat. The furnace went out. What timing.

The furnace guy took the motor out of the furnace home with him; he’s going to try to fix it by tomorrow but he told me not to count on it.

In the meantime, I’ll keep throwing wood into the woodstove. If I can keep that going, the house will be toasty warm.

Some people have been buried in snow for months now. I guess when I can go until February without much furnace use, and still have a few blooming flowers at New Year’s, I should count my blessings.

In spite of all my whining, I have many.