Dear Business World:

If your business’s name ends in an “s,” please do not spell it with a “z” instead. It is not cute, it is not cool, and while it does grab my attention, it doesn’t do so in the way you think it does. I do not buy “toyz.” I hate restrooms that say “Girlz” and “Boyz.” And even if those slutty “Bratz” dolls were cute and didn’t cost a million dollars apiece and didn’t look like nickel hookers and had real feet, I wouldn’t buy one, because someone in your marketing department thought “Bratz” was a cute way to spell a word that actually means “gross disgusting child.” Most people get those for free, with just a little lax parenting; only a fool would buy one with hard-earned dollarz.

The same goes for your business’s goodz or servicez.

Every day, I have to drive past a hairstyling salon, and while it’s bad enough that some of them now make their customers sit in a picture window and have themselves “done” with the whole world watching, their amateurish little hand-lettered signz are all misspelled and stupid-looking and I just can’t stand it. All their window-paint wordz are misspelled, too. I do not trust anyone in there to touch me.

Oh, perky little salon owner: I would never patronize your salon for two reasonz: you advertise “cutz” and “permz” at low, low pricez, and this offendz me, and even though you are on one of the busiest cornerz in this town, you make your customerz sit right smack up against the glass wall in full panoramic view of the entire town. If I’m going to have my hair cut, I want to be able to relax and sit any old way, in privacy and seclusion, and not worry about keeping my kneez together every moment, and a person just can’t do that if a person is sitting in a goldfish bowl in full sight of every single person in this town at any given moment, on a streetcorner with a war-and-peace-length stoplight, behind-glass-yet-fully-public, being required to strike posez not unlike those of the whorz leaning against the lamppostz just on the other size of the glass wallz. Hey, I told you it waz a busy corner.

It’s not just you, either, Perky. Lotz of the hair salonz are making their customerz sit where the entire mall or sidewalk can see them. Whose bright idea was that, anyway? I hate you.

Besides, if you’ve ever seen someone getting his/her hair ‘done,’ you would know that it’z not a pretty sight. It doesn’t lure customerz into your salon. It does provide a gathering place for old men; there’s almost always a gaggle of them gathered outside the glass, watching. Was that your goal? You want more 89-year-old male customerz?

Watching. . . . . see, that creepz me out entirely. I do not wish to be watched while I’m being shampooed and blow-dried and trimmed. I even hate the waiting area full of little kidz, who stare and stare and stare. It’s as creepy as being in the hospital emergency room, waiting, while strangerz and ill-mannered little kids walk up and down the hall and look in and stare every time they pass by.

That’s why I cut my own hair with the manicure scissorz. At this stage of the game, it doesn’t make a whole lot of difference, anyway. I always do it in the bathroom with the shades drawn and the door locked.

I associate the glass wallz and the public viewingz with the letter “z.”

Such business anticz were thought up by foolz.

Oh, and if you’re still patronizing these placez, count your change carefully. People who are careless and/or cutesy with their spelling are usually careless in other aspectz of the business, too.

It’s time for the unveiling of the Mixmania playlists, so here’s mine. Um, I might have gotten a little carried away with the theme; it was “Time,” and I might have spent too much ‘time’ on mine. Or, more than likely, I just didn’t have ‘time’ to pare it down to a reasonable length.

Be that as it may, here’s my playlist. Theme: “Time.”

Disk One

1. One More Minute – Authority Zero
2. In The Time It Takes – Beth Nielson Chapman
3. And So It Goes – Moxy Fruvous (. . . and so will you soon. . . .)
4. King of Spain – Moxy Fruvous (Once I was. . .)
5. Happy Days – TV theme song
6. Someday – Celtic Woman
7. Sweet By and By – Zonn Andrea, from the Laura Ingalls Wilder Tribute
8. The Longest Time – Billy Joel
9. Wasting Time – Collective Soul
10. I Will Wait For You – John Williams (. . . if it takes forever. . . .)
11. Time (Clock of the Heart) – Culture Club
12. When I Am King – Great Big Sea
13. No More – Into The Woods, OBC
14. Teenager – Moxy Fruvous (what a traumatic time. . . .)
15. Closing Time – Leonard Cohen
16. One More Day – Les Miserables, Complete International Cast
17. All Turns To Yesterday – Medieval Babes
18. Today’s The Day – Moxy Fruvous
19. We’ve Got Tonight – Bob Seager
20. Endlessly – Muse
21. The Way You Look Tonight – Frank Sinatra
22. One Fine Day (Official Itv World Cup 2002 Theme ) – Opera Babes

Disk Two

1. One Of These Things First – Nick Drake
2. Waiting In Vain – Annie Lennox
3. Just One Time – Chet Atkins & Mark Knopfler
4. Time Has Told Me – Nick Drake
5. I Don’t Want To Miss A Thing – Aereosmith and cast of Armageddon (I could stay lost in this moment forever. . . .)
6. 1979 – Smashing Pumpkins
7. At The End of the Day – Les Miserables, Complete International Cast
8. Every Day I Write The Book – Elvis Costello
9. Boo Time – Moxy Fruvous
10. Time Is Running Out – Muse
11. Since You’ve Been Gone – Weird Al
12. At Last – Tilly Cryar
13. Who Knows Where The Time Goes – Matthew Sweet & Susanna Hoffs
14. Never On A Sunday – Nana Mouskouri
15. Always Forever Now – U2
16. Never Is A Promise – Fiona Apple
17. When I’m Gone – 3 Doors Down
18. Golden Age – Beck
19. I Will Always Love You – Adam Sandler

Disk Three

1. Dinner At Eight – Rufus Wainwright
2. Soon Love Soon – Vienna Tang
3. You Had Time – Ani DiFranco
4. Times To Remember – Billy Joel
5. Eternal Flame – Bangles
6. 1985 – Bowling for Soup
7. Another Lonely Day – Ben Harper
8. It’s Too Late – Carole King
9. Clocks – String Quartet Tribute to Coldplay
10. Cryin’ Time – Buck Owens
11. Turn Turn Turn (To Everything There Is A Season) – Byrds
12. Morning Has Broken – Cat Stevens
13. Hey Tonight – Credence Clearwater Revival
14. Saturday Night – Bay City Rollers
15. Sweet September Morning – Buffy Sainte-Marie
16. Dance Me To The End Of Love – Kate Gibson
17. Will You Still Love Me Tomorrow – Carole King & James Taylor
18. Time To Say Goodbye – Sarah Brightman & Andrea Bocelli
19. Out Of Time – Blur

Disk Four

1. Time – Chantal Kreviazuk
2. Once Upon A December – Deana Carter
3. Always – Weezer
4. Summer Nights – John Travolta & Olivia Newton John
5. Stay This Way Forever – Guster
6. Longer – Dan Fogelberg
7. Easy Tonight – Five For Fighting
8. Only Time – Enya
9. Just For Today – George Harrison
10. Forever Gone, Forever You – Evanescence
11. It Was A Very Good Year – Frank Sinatra
12. Time Of Your Life – Green Day
13. Yesterday When I Was Young – Glen Campbell
14. Endless Night – Jason Raize (from The Lion King, OBC)
15. Summertime Blues – George Thorogood
16. It’s Too Late – Evermore
17. At Last – Etta James
18. Once In A Lifetime – Talking Heads
19. Need You Tonight – INXS
20. Fame – Irene Cara (. . . I wanna live forever. . . .)
21. Midnight Special – Johnny Rivers
22. But For Now – Jamie Cullum

Disk Five

1. Next Year – Foo Fighters
2. Time Travel – from Donnie Darko
3. Tonight, Not Again – Jason Mraz
4. Time After Time – Eva Cassidy
5. Just Tonight – Jimmy Eat World
6. What A Difference A Day Makes – Jamie Cullum
7. Hold Me Now – Thompson Twins
8. Suddenly Last Summer – Motels
9. Time In A Bottle – Jim Croce
10. Tonight She Comes – Cars
11. Funeral Blues – John Hannah (I thought that love would last forever. . . .)
12. Try To Remember – Jerry Orbach (This song contains all kinds of time, and the coolest rhyme scheme EVER.)
13. Tomorrow – Death Cab For Cutie
14. Midnight Blue – Louise Tucker
15. Close Your Eyes Forever – Lita Ford & Ozzy Osbourne
16. How Long Will This Go On – Lester Norton
17. All My Life – Linda Ronstadt & Aaron Neville
18. Holding Back The Years – Simply Red
19. Once Upon A Time – Jay McShann
20. Monday Monday – Mamas and Papas

Disk Six

1. Lonely Tonight – Matt Wuertz
2. Better Times Are Coming – Kate & Anna McGarrigle & Rufus Wainwright
3. Angel of the Morning – Merilee Rush
4. Summertime – Janis Joplin
5. Hanging By A Moment – Lifehouse
6. Across The Universe of Time – Hayley Westenra
7. Gone At Last – Paul Simon & Phoebe Snow
8. 3 A.M. – Matchbox 20 (acoustic version)
9. Every Time You Go Away – Paul Young
10. Last Night of the World – Michael Ball
11. If Tomorrow Never Comes – Ronan Keating
12. Tuesday’s Gone – Lynard Skynard
13. Walkin’ After Midnight – Patsy Cline
14. Anthem For A New Tomorrow – Screeching Weasel
15. Tomorrow – Silverchair
16. Forever And For Always – Shania Twain
17. As Time Goes By – Louis Armstrong
18. Early One Morning – Nana Mouskouri
19. Time Is On My Side – Rolling Stones
20. Love Isn’t Always On Time – Toto

Disk Seven

1. Too Much Time On My Hands – Styx
2. Monday – Wilco
3. October Nights – Yellowcard
4. Long Time Between Trains – Susan Werner
5. Last Night – Strokes
6. Until It’s Time For You To Go – Vicki Carr
7. Afternoon Delight – Starland Vocal Band
8. Yesterday When I Was Young – Roy Clark
9. Midnight At The Oasis – Renee Olstead
10. If Came The Hour – Petra Berger
11. When All The Stars Were Falling – Lisa Loeb
12. Somewhere Out There – Our Lady Peace (Last time I talked to you. . . .)
13. Every Other Time – LFO
14. Tonight And The Rest Of My Life – Nina Gordon
15. Someday Soon – Judy Collins
16. Much Too Late – Julian Lennon
17. Summer of ’69 – Bryan Adams
18. Night and Day – John Barrowman & Kevin Kline
19. In The Still of the Night – Ashley Judd & Kevin Kline
20. The Time Warp – Richard O’Brien and cast
21. Remember – Harry Nilsson (Long ago. . . .)