I just got back from a baby shower, given for my daughter’s best friend B. This beautiful child young woman has been a part of my life ever since both girls were three years old. Not only do B and Belle share a friendship the likes of which is amazing in this day and age, B’s mother is one of my dearest friends, and her father is one of my favorite conversationalists EVER.

These two girls young women used to be inseparable: almost every waking moment was spent in each other’s company, and a lot of their sleeping moments, as well. Now that B is married and expecting a baby, the girls young women don’t see each other as often as they’d like, but every time they do get together, it’s as though nothing has changed. They are still and always will be kindred spirits.

I loved watching these two girls together, and I love watching these two young women together. They share a history and a present and a future that is beautiful and amazing to behold.

B, my darling, I have loved you like a daughter since you were three years old. I love your mother as the dear friend she has always been. I love your dad because he’s just so much fun to hang out with. I love your husband M because he had the brains to choose you, and because the love he has for you shines out from his face even when you’re not looking. I plan to love Baby E almost as much as her real grandparents plan to love her. I hope you share her with me, just a little bit.

Because, dear Belle and B, you know those identical blue and white outfits you two used to wear so much? The dreadful two-piece things you’re wearing in the framed snapshot on my stereo speaker? The outfits above all other goofy ensembles you both loved so much at the time, and now love to make fun of all the time?

I still have them, packed away in the ‘sentimental clothing’ box. When E is big enough, I’m going to put one on her and take her picture.

Oh, and the gentlemen in the photograph, between my two girls? That’s Dr. Demento. That’s right, THE Dr. Demento.

You didn’t know we wuz that cool, didja.

Mamacita, Scheiss Weekly

While it is very true that the road on which I live is a narrow two-lane road, with no shoulders and a lot of twists and hairpin curves, it is also very true that when I am behind a car that is going 15 MPH, I get mad at the driver and sometimes voice my doubts as to the legitimacy of his birth.

That being said, the speed limit on my road is 30 – 35 on the one short straight stretch by the airport- and if you go faster than that, you’re crazy. Seriously crazy.

Also, when people are driving on a road such as mine, never knowing whether or not they’ll meet another car when they drive around the curves, it is really rude to drive with the brights on, because when you round the bend, those brights BLIND PEOPLE.

Nice people do not drive on brights when they’re on a narrow, curvy road. It’s inconsiderate.

Watch out for the deer, too. They travel in herds out in these parts, and they don’t look both ways before they cross the road.

And why do they cross the road?

To get to the other side. What, you thought there would be a different answer just because they’re deer instead of chickens? Sorry.

Of course, on the other side of my road there is corn to be gleaned, and wildflowers to be devoured. You know, now that they’re devoured all MY flowers. . . .

Are you my friend? Do you hunt? ASK ME FIRST and you can hunt in my woods. If you go back there with a gun, without asking me first, I’ll call the sheriff on you.

I’m not kidding.

Honestly? You don’t really even need to go back into the woods. You can just sit on the deck and wait for the deer to come to YOU. They’re stupid; they always do.

We don’t hunt, but we let our friends go back there IF THEY ASK FIRST.

There are so many deer this season, we no longer refer to them as Bambi’s family. We refer to them as large rats.

Mamacita, Scheiss Weekly

. . . but hark, all is not lost. Some of my students wield wonder with their pens.

“I know that across the sea, across the sand, and across the street, terrible things are being done in the name of religion. There is little I can do about it, physically, until the polls open up.

I do believe, however, that the simple fact that today people know, and yesterday they didn’t, will make a difference, and that there is hope for the future. I also believe that now that more people know these simple facts, mountains might be moved by simple acts: prayer.

There will always be those who abuse others and justify it by saying they are only doing what their god would do were he aware of the need, but this has never made sense to me. The God I know already knows the need and doesn’t want a puppet.

This picture touches me in ways I don’t even know how to describe, but I can say this with certainty: The bad guys will lose. They will lose because they underestimate the world’s capacity for putting up with them. The good guys will win. They will win because eventually something will happen that will make decent people all over the world say, ‘Enough is enough.’

I worry about the immediate future, but not the ultimate future.”

Each of my students is a walking bestseller.

Mamacita, Scheiss Weekly