Several of the students in my husband’s calculus classes were once students in my middle school classes. I used to bring them cookies and muffins and drinkboxes all the time, because they had to eat lunch at 10:30 and by 2:30 or so, they were hungry. Middle school kids need a lot of food, and if you don’t think so, you just don’t remember very well. Besides, most of my students were poor, and depended on school for their breakfast and their lunch and on Chance for their supper. These circumstances were NOT the children’s fault, and I baked bread and occasionally scrambled eggs and poured juice for them with a full heart and with no grudgings. (That was reserved for some of the parents who bought cigarettes and beer instead of warm socks and food for their children, and for the administrators who wrote me up every time they caught me feeding my students, but I rant about that all the time.)

Anyway.

Hub brought me a note written on a large piece of red paper the other day. It was from his Period Four math class, and they respectfully requested some no-bake cookies. I make those on occasion for Hub’s classes, in memory of the classroom full of hungry 13-year-olds I once had, and I don’t think I’ve done it for Period Four yet.

It’s almost midnight, but heck. No-bake cookies don’t take very long. So yeah, I’ll do it. I’m a sucker for a hand-written letter.

They do look a lot like cat poop, but trust me – they’re good.

Dear Indiana University,

Both of my degrees were earned on your breathtakingly beautiful campus, and I loved you dearly except when you kept phoning me and begging for money. Apparently, though, you’ve decided to get your money from sources who don’t even owe you anything, and that, my former friends, is called “extortion.” stealing.

After learning about this piece of absurdity, I’m afraid I’ll have to take back a large portion of the affection I once had for you. In fact, I’m ashamed of you. You have made yourself and all who are associated with you into a ridiculous travesty. I’ve lost all respect for you.

I am not remotely interested in investing any time, money, attention, or affection in anything or anyone that has that big a stick up its ass has no sense of humor or of honor.

Please fire everyone involved with this ridiculous piece of bad, bad judgment and poor sportsmanship and general lack of humor, substance, and heart. Bring back the university of my memory: the college I still dream about, the campus where I’m young and strong and dancing through life as though everything about it were beautiful and right. . . .

Because of all the stupid stunts IU has ever pulled, this one is the most degrading and disgusting. Bobby wouldn’t even have stooped that low. He would have thrown a chair at the person responsible, and the entire campus would have exploded with applause if it had hit.

Bah on thee, thou moronic Suits.

Sincerely,

Mamacita

Mamacita, Scheiss Weekly

I live on a country road that is very narrow, and has no shoulders. It’s of vital importance that everyone stays in his/her own lane at all times. People who feel they must swerve way out into the other lane when they turn are not welcome on my road. Such people tend to kill other people.

My road is also extremely curvy; it meanders like a river, and unexpected encounters can be avoided only if everyone stays in his/her own lane at all times. People who feel they must occasionally cross that very faded center line for whatever reason are not welcome on my road. Such people tend to kill other people.

Because of the above issues, it would be really nice if everyone who drove on my picturesque-yet-narrow, shoulderless, and curvy road after dark would TURN OFF THEIR #$%^&*()%%$%$!@#$% brights!

When I someone is driving on this road at night and comes around one of those hairpin curves and gets hit right in the retinas with some jerk’s brights, it’s blinding, and it’s never good to be blinded, especially when you’re navigating a very narrow, very shoulderless, very curvy little country road.

Please remember that other people’s safety ALWAYS outweighs someone’s personal convenience. Sure, it’s a dangerous road and sure, you can see way better with your brights on, but holy SCHEISSE, it’s horrifying to round a bend and have a klieg light explode in your face.

My point? Do I need one?

Okay.

When driving on a narrow, shoulderless, meandering road with a LOT of hairpin curves, stay in your own lane, turn like a normal person (no swervies!), and NEVER drive with your brights on.

Thank you.

–Person Who Lives On This Road and Who Would Like To Continue Living

Mamacita, Scheiss Weekly