Dear Parents: I Like Your Kid
Mamacita says: Parents have a right to be kept informed about their child’s progress in school, and we all know that the students themselves are NOT good message-deliverers. Phone calls can be awkward and time-consuming; email is excellent for those families with computers and internet access; hand-carried letters probably won’t get home, and apparently it’s considered bad form to safety-pin a note to a student’s coat these days. That leaves snail mail.
Which, the more I think about it, is an excellent thing. Few people get actual LETTERS in the mail any more, and there’s something about a letter in the mail, to hold in one’s hands, slit open, unfold, and read, and put on the refrigerator door, that can be really, really special.
Many families dread any kind of communication from their child’s school because they know their child well, and any message can be only one thing: more trouble. I maintain, however, that no matter how certain we might be that a kid sold his soul to the devil on purpose and is happy with that choice, there’s still something positive that can be said.
For over twenty years, I sent this letter, or a form of it, to students I found to be creative, out-of-the-box, quirky, and right up my alley. Often, these kids were not making good grades. Often, they were. The point was, I wanted kids who probably weren’t going to get anything but bad news, or no news, to get something awesome in the mail.
So, here’s what they got, give or take artistic and necessary license on occasion:
Dear Mr. and Mrs. Smythe-Parsley,
The school year is half over, and I wanted to drop you a note and tell you how very much I’m enjoying having Ashleigh in my class this past semester. It is delightful to work with and to talk to her.
I am pleased and impressed with Ashleigh’s effort and performance. She is always willing, cooperative, pleasant, and thoughtful. Her contributions to the class are intelligent, creative, and contemplative, and indicate maturity as well as mental growth.
I know that attitudes instilled in the home are often reflected in a student’s behavior at school. I therefore wish to congratulate you, as well as Ashleigh, for her accomplishments.
Ashleigh will bring her progress report home this week. If there is anything you wish to discuss, please call the school and make an appointment. It would be a pleasure to meet you.
Sincerely,
Mrs. Me
==
I understand that many of my former students still have their letters. This makes me very, very happy.
I usually sent these out either during winter break, or right before Spring Break. Sometimes I sent a few out at odd times because I knew a kid needed something positive.
Timelines and other people’s rules don’t make me no nevermind. Never did; never will.
(Unless they’re my own. I’m faithful to those.)
I hope you’re all having a lovely spring break, and may every message from your child’s school be something that makes you want to go out in the back yard and frolic, with ice cream cones in your hands and a jar for lightning bugs under the apple tree.
Why Do It Be: That So Many Adults Are Scum. . . .
Mamacita says: Spring Break is over for me and just beginning for other people, so naturally I’m, to quote Jimmy Fallon, BOTHERED.
Oh, not really. I love my job. All of them, in fact.
In honor of my love for my jobs, I shall dedicate this post to things that BOTHERED me at my former job, and which are still BOTHERING dedicated teachers today. That my children will inherit the botched situations and circumstances of this kind of mindset REALLY bothers me.
Oh, why do it be?????
. . . that parents who do not supply or pay for their children’s school lunches are the ones who complain and whine the loudest if this FREE lunch, paid for by OTHER PEOPLE, isn’t exactly what they or their child like to eat. . . .
. . . that anyone who so obviously hates kids would end up in a classroom influencing them. . . .(you know who you are, if you’re reading this.)
. . . that so many sweet, smart kids who love learning and who have so much to give must end up in families that regard education as something that interferes with the NASCAR schedule. . . .
. . . that Jerry Springer is on at 4:00, just when little children are getting off the bus and entering empty houses, so that they grow up believing that those roadhouse incestuscums are typical people with viable lifestyles. . . .
. . . that the media celebrates shackups, illegitimate babies, divorce, adultery, and pleasing oneself regardless of the wake of heartbroken and betrayed spouses and children. . . .
. . . that the public is so quick to forget the former spouse and family of celebrities who have finally found true love after all those misunderstood years. . . .
. . . that an adult would put himself/herself before a promise, a marriage, and a child. . . .
. . . that people think a $900,000 gown on a celebrity is money well spent, but who balk at donating ten bucks to help buy shoes for an orphan who has lost everything he has and everyone he knows. . . .
. . . that a parent should care so little about the health, welfare, and safety of a child that he/she smokes in the house, or at all. . . .
. . . that there are adults who see nothing wrong with bringing a child into the smoking section of a restaurant. . . .
. . . that there are still smoking sections in restaurants at all. . . .
. . . that so many children must live without fantasy, traditions, values, imagination, and books. . . .
. . . that there are so my houses with no books at all in them. . . .
. . . that so many families’ idea of a good time is to sit and watch other people on tv doing things. . .
. . . that there are so many people right here in the US who are so ignorant they don’t even teach their kids to brush their teeth, bathe, control their tempers, flush, wipe, or eat with utensils (probably because the adults themselves don’t know how). . . .
. . . that so many parents feel it’s their right to sit and watch the game or a tv show instead of going to watch their children sing in the choir, which means the child can’t go either. . . .
. . . that so many adults lie, cheat, steal, betray, abuse, and otherwise screw their children out of the life all children deserve. . . .
. . . that any parent would allow his/her kids to misbehave in public and disturb other people. . . .
. . . that any adult with kids could dare state that “it’s all about ME” and mean it. . . .
I’ve got more – of course I do! – but it’s midnight now and I’ve got papers to grade for tomorrow.
Y’all behave yourselves now, or you’ll find yourselves right here on a list, with the scorn of the clean and decent upon you. You’ve been warned.
P.S. Being an adult isn’t SUPPOSED to be fun all the time; we’ve got responsibilities, too, and frankly, those of us who fulfill them are bloody sick of doing YOUR work along with our own.
Of course, the Blogosphere is populated by people who DO work, and who DO raise their children properly and wisely, and who DO despise adults who don’t do what adults are supposed to do, so the segment of the population I so publicly despise won’t even read any of this and therefore won’t be heartbroken and devastated that the universe looks upon them with such scorn.
Good thing WE’RE all perfect, huh.
Soft Heart and Iron Will
Mamacita says: Dear students who blew off midterms last week:
I foresee dark and stormy days ahead for you. . . . I predict that something difficult and complicated will loom before you, messing up your social life and playing havoc with your bank account. . . . I fear for your family relationships once the results of your actions become well known. . . .The inner eye sees your tanned and self-satisfied selves looking stunned, and rivaling a toddler in the art of the whine. . . .
Because so many of you have not yet been potty-trained and tend to have accidents in places and situations normally associated with adults I have a soft head heart, I am going to allow you to take a make-up test. After next Wednesday night, you will find your exam in the Testing Center on the main campus. Be sure to pay particular attention to the instructions and limitations, as they are quite different from the instructions and limitations those students who came to class and took their test on the proper day had. Don’t bother to bring your textbook, dictionary, notes, or any electronics. All you will need is a #2 pencil, possibly two of them “just in case.”
Whatever a student who took the exam on the proper day may tell you, pay no attention. YOUR test is different, and your instructions are different. You won’t care overmuch for either, but as you had exactly the same choices those students who showed up on the proper day had, my heart does not bleed for you.
Don’t get me wrong: I hope you all do well. I sincerely do. And if you so much as answer your cell phone while you’re taking that test, your Scan-tron sheet will be shredded. You will take the test there in the Testing Center, under the watchful eyes of the testing monitors, and you will be filmed.
I hope you’re checking your campus email while you’re sunning on that Cancun beach, for if you are, you won’t embarrass yourself by inquiring about the possibility of a makeup test before the end of next week. You will have one week from next Wednesday night to schedule yourself into the Testing Center, and you will finish the test in one sitting. None of you has an IEP or any official special instructions, so these instructions will apply to all of you.
I have already entered a zero for the midterm for each of you who blew it off. If you want that zero changed into something else, be bloody sure you get that test taken before your time is up. After I place your test in the Testing Center, the rest is entirely up to you. If you don’t get yourself up there, the zero stands.
If you allow that zero to stand, you will need to present yourself to the registrar to withdraw from the class. You’ll also be required to pay back your financial aid.
Sincerely, Professor Had-It-Up-To-Here with the lot of you.
P.S. Students who showed up on the proper day get bonus points, which will be added at the end of the semester. Also? These students rock. They’re awesome, while you’re. . . . well, never mind. It was an antonym. I hope you had a good time in Cancun.
P.P.S. Students who took the test on the proper day: your grades are now posted on Blackboard. Congratulations to most of you, for most of you did very well. I’m proud of you.
