Elevator Etiquette 101
Mamacita says: These are, of course, Things Nice People Already Know.
Basic Elevator Etiquette for Dummies:
1. Push the appropriate button. If the button is already glowing, do not push it. If you repeatedly push an already-glowing button, everybody will know what you are.
2. Stand back. LEAVE ROOM FOR PEOPLE TO EMERGE FROM THE ELEVATOR.
3. When the door opens, WAIT UNTIL EVERYBODY IS OUT BEFORE YOU GO IN.
4. The people coming out of the elevator have the right-of-way over the people going into the elevator.
5. WHEN THE ELEVATOR IS COMPLETELY EMPTY, then and only then, calmly walk towards the open door. Do not push. Do not shove. The elevator is not going anywhere. It’s not like a subway, or a train, or an airport shuttle. Step inside the elevator and position yourself as far away from the other passengers as possible. If the elevator is crowded, do not take up more than your fair share of space no matter what you might be carrying. Hold your packages close to your body. Pull your wheeled briefcase as close to you as possible. Do not allow your child to touch anything or anybody, or move away from you for any reason.
6. Anyone who farts or who has a lighted cigarette in an elevator is fair game for murder. Nobody will tell on you. Everybody will help. You might even get a medal. If not, you should.
7. Once inside the elevator, do not reach across people to push a button. If your button is not already glowing, ask someone near the buttons to push it for you. Be sure to say please, and thank them nicely when they do it. Do not use a tone of voice that suggests that you’ve seen too many old movies about buildings that employ an actual elevator man.
8. If you stink, take the stairs. I’m not kidding.
9. ESPECIALLY do not violate #’s 2 and 3.
10 If you violate #’s 2 and 3, you are an idiot. “Dummies” books are beyond your intellect. You suck. You’re probably ugly. Your mother dresses you funny. You smell bad. Nobody likes you. Your spouse is changing the locks as we speak. Your children tell their friends that you are the boarder, and that their real parent lives in Paris and films documentaries.
There. Now you know one way to tell smart people from stupid people, and nice people from rude people. It’s a pretty good indicator.
Elevator etiquette is a kind of social media, you know. When you or your representative behave like a tool in the elevator, I consider that to be an indication of how you conduct your business and treat people in general. And if I see you doing any of the above things, then no, thank you very much; I’m no longer interested in doing business with you. Rude and stupid outside the office = rude and stupid inside the office.
“Let me sum up,” as Inigo Montoya might say.
BEHAVE YOURSELF.
Rude, crude people used to be the exception, and everybody else pointed and laughed at them. Sadly, rude crude people are now the norm, and sometimes I think they’re competing with each other for the rudest crudest simpletonian numbskull award.
There would be a lot of ties. Someone would probably turn it into a reality show.
Love Stays
Mamacita says: Happy Valentine’s Day. Not because it’s a man-made holiday that exploits the guilt feelings of both men and women and forces them to go forth (or fifth) and spend a lot of money on flowers that will die and candy that will be eaten, but because it’s just one more excuse for people to tell each other how very much they love and appreciate each other. These are things we should all be telling each other all year, of course, but we’re a reticent society, for all that we let it all hang out sometimes, and we sort of need a specific day to give us permission to bare our hearts.
During my annual re-reading of A Lantern in Her Hand and A White Bird Flying (two of my very favorites and I highly recommend them to all of you) I was again struck and reduced to tears by the simple message etched on the stones in the garden path at the home of J. Sterling Morton (who gave Arbor Day to the nation) and his bride: Hours fly, Flowers die. New days, New ways, Pass by. Love stays.
Love stays.
And in the book, Laura Deal is more touched and moved by the sight of one simple little china dish, a little china hen spreading her china wings, that Mrs. Morton brought to Nebraska with her so she would always have something of her old home in her new home, than by the grandeur of the governor’s eventual home. I am that way, too, for it is the small things that make a home, not any grand exterior or grounds. I love these two books beyond any ability to tell you how much.
Mrs. Morton’s little china dish makes me remember Ma Ingalls and her little china shepherdess. Most pioneer women had at least one cherished, impractical, often fragile item they brought with 
them from their old home in the East, to remind them of that home, and to help them remember that there is more to life than dirt, sweat, and hard work. Sometimes, we need a reminder, however small, that life also promises great beauty, music, hope, and a better life for our children than we can hope for, for ourselves.
Molly Ivins was one of my idols, and this motto of hers is the motto I have adopted for my very own.
“… keep fightin’ for freedom and justice, beloveds, but don’t you forget to have fun doin’ it. Lord, let your laughter ring forth. Be outrageous, ridicule the fraidy-cats, rejoice in all the oddities that freedom can produce. And when you get through kickin’ ass and celebratin’ the sheer joy of a good fight, be sure to tell those who come after how much fun it was.”
I have never been much of a fighter, but maybe it’s time to start swinging.
No, not THAT kind of swinging. Scheisse, I love the blogosophere.
I hope everyone’s day is full of love and Hershey’s Kisses. They’re called ‘kisses’ because of the sound the machine makes when it lays one down on the belt. How would you like to work there? “Kiss, kiss, kiss, kiss. . . .” all day long. By the time those people get home, their hormones must be raw and ready to be salved. If you know what I mean.
We went out for deep-dish pizza last night, to beat the Valentine’s Day restaurant rush. We had a lot more fun in the booth at Grecco’s than most people will have in their overpriced candlelit crowded reservations-only Valentine’s Day elegant ambiance-filled restaurant tonight. Then again, I am very, very low-maintenance, and proud of it.
“. . . all the oddities that freedom can produce. . . .” Why would we ever want anything else?
I miss you, Molly. But, love stays.
Things I Still Haven't Done Yet
Mamacita says: what’s the hurry, anyway?
1. I have never used an ATM machine. I have a feeling it would be the beginning of a bad personal habit.
2. I still have never watched a single Survivor-type show. Still not interested.
3. Ditto for Oprah, and even less interested.
4. The Christmas wreath is probably still on the front door; we never use the front door, so I really couldn’t tell you for sure. If you stop by, and the wreath is still there, please lift it down and lean it against the porch wall. I’ll no doubt find it when I hide the Easter eggs.
5. I’d like to tell you all that I still haven’t ever peeked at the answers in the back of a crossword puzzle book, but the fact is, I did. Last week. So much for that claim to fame. Only once, though.
6. I still haven’t outgrown my fascination with and liking for Spencer Gifts.
7. I still enjoy the electronics section of a store more than the clothing section.
8. I’m sorry, but I still snort when teachers get all excited while they tell me about fascinating new and innovative theories or techniques for student engagement that are nothing but recycled and renamed old stuff that’s being marketed and sold as something that will definitely work even though it failed miserably the first few rounds. On second thought, I’m not really sorry. I’m just kind of amused and judgmental.
9. I still haven’t gotten tired of reading and re-reading the Harry Potter books. Every time I re-read a beloved book, I discover something new. I know most of them by heart now. I usually try to memorize literature I love; then I’m never without it. If you are a teacher who doesn’t believe in memorizing, there’s nothing much you could have to say that would make any impression on me because you’re a lazy idiot please go sit somewhere else because you smell really, really bad.
10. I’ve never had a root canal, and I hope I haven’t cursed myself by putting that in writing.
