Mamacita says: I have actually lived a very provincial life. I haven’t been much of anywhere, and all I do is work. I’m not extraordinary in any way, and I haven’t any outstanding talents. I love to sing, but shouldn’t. A sadly accurate description of me would have to include words like “mousy,” and “insecure,” and “easily fooled,” and “backward.” Desperately seeking Susan something positive, I could tell you that I’m a fiercely loyal friend, that I love my family, that I’m dependable, that people tell me I’m funny, that I’m a night owl, and that I am an exhausted, yawning repository of useless trivia. (Indiana University Trivia Team, Grand Champions, a long time ago in a galaxy far, far away) San Francisco, for BlogHer last year, was the farthest I’ve ever been from home, and it was the first time I’d ever been there. Socially, I’m about twelve years old. Oh, and I’m opinionated. I will also beat your and anybody you know’s ass in Jeopardy.
This pity party was brought to you by Oscar Mayer bologna, which has a first and last name, but does not live in my refrigerator, because I just looked and we don’t have any.
How sad is it that I am longing for a bologna sandwich? Most people long for more exotic fare, but not Mamacita, no, she longs for bologna. Sigh. See what I mean?
1. I haven’t painted the interior walls of my house for over twenty years. That would be when the house was built. I have all kinds of ideas and plans for new paint, but no money to buy any.
2. I haven’t put away the children’s Easter baskets yet. My children are grown up, but I still create an Easter basket for each of them. It’s what good mommies do, thankyouverymuch. I love doing Easter baskets and Christmas stockings and I will never stop. If my children find a special someone and choose to marry and procreate, I’ll have even more baskets and stockings to build! Parents who don’t “do” baskets or stockings, and who don’t encourage their children’s fantasy worlds, are unnatural and creepy. Bring it on.
3. I have my final exams all updated and ready, but I haven’t xeroxed them off yet. I need to do that tomorrow, before the machines break down. Xerox machines have some kind of sixth sense and they KNOW when finals are approaching. Also, the little gnomes that live inside each machine love to frustrate people. I can sense them holding their sides and rolling with laughter when they mess up my tests. They mock my pain.
4. I still haven’t ever watched a single episode of “Oprah,” nor have I ever watched any kind of reality show. And, I’m still not in the least interested in doing so.
5. If I told you that there are still a few Christmas cd’s in my stereo, would you still love me?
6. I put a load of towels in the washer Sunday afternoon, and it’s still there. I don’t smell anything yet, so I’m sure they’re all right.
7. One of my cats puked in the hallway, but I don’t know which one did it. They both look pretty guilty to me. At least I didn’t step in it, in the dark. Um, it’s not there now. I cleaned it up.
8. “Someone” ate all the grape popsicles, and I haven’t been to the store to get more yet. We don’t have any money, anyway. Popsicles are a luxury, not a necessity. Except, one would be so good with my bologna sandwich. That’s TWO things I’m longing for that we don’t have.
9. I don’t know if I will ever get used to being treated well at work. Every day I come home awed by the respect and professionalism that are a part of my workplace environment now. I love it so much, there are no words. Teachers are enslaved, in many ways, and we don’t even realize it until we escape.
10. The older I get, the more I want to be involved in my family’s lives. Not the meddling kind of involvement: the participatory kind. My siblings live too far away to see regularly, and we’re all busy. I wish I could see more of them.
Now, laugh all you want at tonight’s obsessions, but you’ll have to admit that they’re obtainable! Whereas, if I were longing for world peace, enough money to ease the ever-increasing intensity of my worry, and a weight-loss program that didn’t require any effort or sacrifice on my part. . . well, (insert sarcastic laugh) like any of THOSE are going to happen!