Quotation Saturday: Behavior

quotationsaturdayMamacita says:  Behavior.  It’s on my mind.   Watching a mother allow her child to play roughly with an unpaid-for toy throughout the store, then discarding it at the checkout without paying for the damage, disgusted me, and I mentioned it on Twitter and was immediately challenged by a mother who saw nothing wrong with such behavior.  Well, fine; apparently, I’m an overly strict dinosaur who doesn’t understand that children need to be catered to in every way, and a toy that she has no intention of paying for – it’s merely diversion –  in a retail store is a lot easier than teaching the kid to sit still and behave herself in public.  Oops, there I go, being overly strict again.  My bad.

1. Behavior is a mirror in which every one displays his own image. –Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

2. The true test of character is not how much we know how to do, but how we behave when we don’t know what to do. — John W. Holt, Jr.

3. If I have made an appointment with you, I owe you punctuality, I have no right to throw away your time, if I do my own. — Richard Cecil

4. If people are good only because they fear punishment, and hope for reward, then we are a sorry lot indeed. — Albert Einstein

5. When man learns to understand and control his own behavior. . . he may be justified in believing that he has become civilized. — Ayn Rand

6. I believe that you control your destiny, that you can be what you want to be. You can also stop and say, ‘No, I won’t do it, I won’t behave his way anymore. I’m lonely and I need people around me, maybe I have to change my methods of behaving,’ and then you do it. — Leo F. Buscaglia

7. Behavior is what a man does, not what he thinks, feels, or believes. — Unknown

8. The behavior of some children suggests that their parents embarked on the sea of matrimony without a paddle. — Unknown

9. The man of character, sensitive to the meaning of what he is doing, will know how to discover the ethical paths in the maze of possible behavior. — Earl Warren

10. Children lose their innocence the very moment they are forced to make excuses for their parent’s bad behavior. — Krista Delle Femine

11. Children follow your footsteps, not your advice. — Krista Delle Femine

12. A cigarette in the hands of a Hollywood star on screen is a gun aimed at a 12 or 14-year-old. — Joe Eszterhas

13. You want to raise your child in such a way that you don’t have to control him, so that he will be in full possession of himself at all times. Upon that depends his good behavior, his health, his sanity. — L. Ron Hubbard

14. The value of marriage is not that adults produce children, but that children produce adults. — Peter de Vries

15. You want to be a parent? Shut up and do your job. — ‘Dr. Robert Romano’ from E.R.

16. Children have never been very good at listening to their elders, but they have never failed to imitate them. — James Baldwin

17. Live so that when your children think of fairness and integrity, they think of you. — H. Jackson Brown Jr.

18. Setting an example is not the main means of influencing another, it is the only means. — Albert Einstein

19. There is a sobering side to eccentricity. Odd behavior can flourish only in a tolerant society and that it often produces radical new ideas by virtue of its willingness to cast off accepted norms. Blessed are the cracked, for they shall let in the light. — Unknown

20. Someone will always be looking at you as an example of how to behave. Don’t let them down. — Unknown

21. About all you have to do to get a man to behave right is expect him to. — The Country Sage, newspaper clipping, Albert W. Daw Collection

22. The test of a man or woman’s breeding is how they behave in a quarrel. — George Bernard Shaw

23. If a man does not control his temper, it is a sad admission that he is not in control of his thoughts. He then becomes a victim of his own passions and emotions, which lead him to actions that are totally unfit for civilized behavior. — Ezra Taft Benson

24. When a woman behaves like a man, why can’t she behave like a nice man? —
Dame Edith Evans

25. It is a waste of energy to be angry with a man who behaves badly, just as it is to be angry with a car that won’t go. — Bertrand Arthur William Russell

Oh, I could keep going for hours.

My point is, if everyone in the world simply behaved properly, the whole world would be vastly improved and infinitely easier to go about in.

Since that’s never going to happen, the next best thing would be if the penalties for misbehavior were so severe you’d have to be certifiably nuts to misbehave.

bratYes, lady woman in Kmart today who just watched and laughed as her two daughters raced around the store with that tricycle. Were you paying attention when the manager took it away and carried it off and all the other customers applauded?

And yes, we were all looking at YOU and passing judgment, and I bet we all agreed.


Comments

Quotation Saturday: Behavior — 18 Comments

  1. @SadDad I feel for you, I really do. A year ago, you could have been describing MY family. So first off, please know that you are not alone in your struggles with autism and its effects on children (and their families). We struggled with poor behaviors for years, and had reached the crossroads: It was going to be one of three things: Residental treatment center, school at home (mom quits job), or get the behaviors under control. We chose not to use RTC because WE didn’t want to feel as if we were giving up on our child. We also thought that if WE couldn’t parent him, how could anyone who wasn’t committed to loving him? Therefore, we spent all of last summer working on “Stay Calm, Stay Smart” strategies. As in, when people get MAD, they get dumb. Stay Calm, Stay Smart. (this is not restricted to children, and I think we used a bar-room stabbing incident as one example during the course of our almost continuous reminders. Don’t bother googling it.)

    I hope that you are receiving some services for her. If you have to beg for services, I encourage you to beg for Respite Care. This will give you and your family time to recharge, while your daughter stays home with qualified personnel. My family got 13 hours per month, which is 13 hours per month ALONE more than we had pre-repite care.

    Let me also encourage you: If you put your child into a Residental Treatment Center (RTC), will she be among staff who know and care for her? What will they do if she melts down on THEM? Be sure to ask these questions before dropping her off there. Many places use restraint, seclusion and/or tranquilizers to “control” bad behaviors.

    The turning point for my son was the revelation that his behaviors affect others: I had used up so many PTO hours being called to school that I had to go back to work in the middle of our family vacation! They had 2 more days of vacation without me, and the reasoning was explained matter-of-factly (not blaming, just the facts) to the kid. I don’t think it had occurred to him before.

    Finally, I’m going to quote some of my favorite autism experts: Behavior is communication. What is your daughter trying to tell you? Is something sensory going on? is she mad cuz she doesn’t get her way? (if so, autism tantrums must be dealt with very differently than NT tantrums, and this is quite difficult) Please check out Tony Atwood’s website, http://www.tonyattwood.com.au/ and Ross Greene http://www.ccps.info/bio/bio.html. Tony Attwood is an expert on Autism Spectrum disorders, and Ross Greene is the author of “The Explosive Child” and other great reads.

    You can reach me via twitter if you need more advice.

    Peace,
    Jocelyn
    twitter.com/jsloan1223

  2. @SadDad I feel for you, I really do. A year ago, you could have been describing MY family. So first off, please know that you are not alone in your struggles with autism and its effects on children (and their families). We struggled with poor behaviors for years, and had reached the crossroads: It was going to be one of three things: Residental treatment center, school at home (mom quits job), or get the behaviors under control. We chose not to use RTC because WE didn’t want to feel as if we were giving up on our child. We also thought that if WE couldn’t parent him, how could anyone who wasn’t committed to loving him? Therefore, we spent all of last summer working on “Stay Calm, Stay Smart” strategies. As in, when people get MAD, they get dumb. Stay Calm, Stay Smart. (this is not restricted to children, and I think we used a bar-room stabbing incident as one example during the course of our almost continuous reminders. Don’t bother googling it.)

    I hope that you are receiving some services for her. If you have to beg for services, I encourage you to beg for Respite Care. This will give you and your family time to recharge, while your daughter stays home with qualified personnel. My family got 13 hours per month, which is 13 hours per month ALONE more than we had pre-repite care.

    Let me also encourage you: If you put your child into a Residental Treatment Center (RTC), will she be among staff who know and care for her? What will they do if she melts down on THEM? Be sure to ask these questions before dropping her off there. Many places use restraint, seclusion and/or tranquilizers to “control” bad behaviors.

    The turning point for my son was the revelation that his behaviors affect others: I had used up so many PTO hours being called to school that I had to go back to work in the middle of our family vacation! They had 2 more days of vacation without me, and the reasoning was explained matter-of-factly (not blaming, just the facts) to the kid. I don’t think it had occurred to him before.

    Finally, I’m going to quote some of my favorite autism experts: Behavior is communication. What is your daughter trying to tell you? Is something sensory going on? is she mad cuz she doesn’t get her way? (if so, autism tantrums must be dealt with very differently than NT tantrums, and this is quite difficult) Please check out Tony Atwood’s website, http://www.tonyattwood.com.au/ and Ross Greene http://www.ccps.info/bio/bio.html. Tony Attwood is an expert on Autism Spectrum disorders, and Ross Greene is the author of “The Explosive Child” and other great reads.

    You can reach me via twitter if you need more advice.

    Peace,
    Jocelyn
    twitter.com/jsloan1223

  3. Um, no. Your post is NOTHING like the Smockity debacle. You don’t mock a child. You call out a parent for letting a child misbehave. What you describe *is* misbehavior, and, as others have pointed out, damaging a toy in that way leaves the parent liable. You’ve got the law (and me!–sooooo important, you know) on your side on this one. We have a rule that our children are not allowed to persist in any disturbance of the peace in public. They stop, we leave, whatever…we make it go away.

    SadDad and KirkandKyles mom…are your kids on any meds for their behaviors? There are a lot of autism parents who have found benefit for the injurious behaviors from certain meds. I can’t specify them because we haven’t had to do that, but I’ll tweet a question and see if some come here to chime in.

    My reaction to Smockity’s post wasn’t just as a special needs parent (although I am one). I first and foremost found the mockery of a child to be indefensibly mean. That coupled with the gleeful comments and then no effort at understanding or empathy once more of the likely story had been suggested? Well, I’ve said enough about it, so…that’s that.

    As long as we’re namechecking Goethe, here’s one of my favorites: Let everyone sweep in front of his own door, and the whole world will be clean.

  4. Um, no. Your post is NOTHING like the Smockity debacle. You don’t mock a child. You call out a parent for letting a child misbehave. What you describe *is* misbehavior, and, as others have pointed out, damaging a toy in that way leaves the parent liable. You’ve got the law (and me!–sooooo important, you know) on your side on this one. We have a rule that our children are not allowed to persist in any disturbance of the peace in public. They stop, we leave, whatever…we make it go away.

    SadDad and KirkandKyles mom…are your kids on any meds for their behaviors? There are a lot of autism parents who have found benefit for the injurious behaviors from certain meds. I can’t specify them because we haven’t had to do that, but I’ll tweet a question and see if some come here to chime in.

    My reaction to Smockity’s post wasn’t just as a special needs parent (although I am one). I first and foremost found the mockery of a child to be indefensibly mean. That coupled with the gleeful comments and then no effort at understanding or empathy once more of the likely story had been suggested? Well, I’ve said enough about it, so…that’s that.

    As long as we’re namechecking Goethe, here’s one of my favorites: Let everyone sweep in front of his own door, and the whole world will be clean.

  5. I’ve put out a call for help on Twitter. The moms on there are so helpful and smart; my fingers are crossed that someone will come, read, and know just what to say. I never dreamed that one of my typical rants would bring this kind of comment. Wow. I’m so sorry.

  6. I’ve put out a call for help on Twitter. The moms on there are so helpful and smart; my fingers are crossed that someone will come, read, and know just what to say. I never dreamed that one of my typical rants would bring this kind of comment. Wow. I’m so sorry.

  7. Jane, the behaviors you are describing do not sound like autism to me, just bad parenting.

    But oh, SadDad and KirkandKylesMom, my heart is bleeding for you both. Perhaps some of the autism people will find your comments and give you some good advice. There are excellent online resources for autism, and the moms on Twitter, Facebook, etc, have banded together and know their subject well. Jane, go to Twitter and ask for help with this one. Those moms on there are fabulous.

  8. Jane, the behaviors you are describing do not sound like autism to me, just bad parenting.

    But oh, SadDad and KirkandKylesMom, my heart is bleeding for you both. Perhaps some of the autism people will find your comments and give you some good advice. There are excellent online resources for autism, and the moms on Twitter, Facebook, etc, have banded together and know their subject well. Jane, go to Twitter and ask for help with this one. Those moms on there are fabulous.

  9. No matter how upset even an autistic child might get if his or her set routine or promised action is disrupted, NO child has the right to endanger other people. I say that and believe it, but we haven’t yet removed our daughter from access to people and situations she might endanger. We’re looking into it, though. Enough is enough. The best doctors and clinics haven’t been able to figure our child out.

    My wife and I are seriously considering starting a blog about this very thing. Our daughter simply could not wait, or share, or understand personal space, or understand that she was HURTING her grandmother and her brothers when she struck out at them in frustration. No matter how innocent a child might be of hurtful intent, these behaviors could not be allowed to continue. It came down, eventually, to the fact that either everyone was hurt or she was hurt. It was a heartrendering realization, but her behaviors simply could not continue; she almost killed her mother with a baseball bat one night. Less than a minute later she was lying beside Kathy on the floor, completely oblivious to the fact that her mother was bleeding and covered with contusions and semi-conscious. Her brothers scatter whenever Sylvie enters a room where they are. Our oldest, in college, hasn’t been home for a visit for three years; I doubt if he’ll ever come home again. The other two boys are in high school, and Sylvie can take down every one of them when she’s in full adrenaline fury and frustration. Kathy and I together can barely restrain her, even on strong meds, when something sets her off. We can’t continue living like this. It goes far beyond embarrassment at having a daughter who likes to show people her bloody maxipads. We haven’t visited a friend’s home in years, because Sylvie snoops through everything, panics, and starts destroying. Our friends have requested that we keep her away from their small children, and I can’t say I blame them. Understanding? We’ve worked with her, tried to teach/train her, let her injure and alienate our other children, and nearly kill us both. Her intellect is very high when she can calm down enough to use it, but for most of the 24 hours, she’s a time bomb, and when she goes off, everything and everyone in her path is in danger. Now, what advice can any of the autism moms give us? We are actively seeking an institution for Sylvie, and an opening can’t come fast enough. She’s our child and we love her, but we don’t like her a bit, and our sons hate her. Our friends fear her. Neighborhood children run screaming from her. All the local businesses have asked that we do not bring her inside, and I don’t blame them for that, either. She walks in, everyone else in the place walks out. I would too if I could. God help us all. Advice? Please?

  10. No matter how upset even an autistic child might get if his or her set routine or promised action is disrupted, NO child has the right to endanger other people. I say that and believe it, but we haven’t yet removed our daughter from access to people and situations she might endanger. We’re looking into it, though. Enough is enough. The best doctors and clinics haven’t been able to figure our child out.

    My wife and I are seriously considering starting a blog about this very thing. Our daughter simply could not wait, or share, or understand personal space, or understand that she was HURTING her grandmother and her brothers when she struck out at them in frustration. No matter how innocent a child might be of hurtful intent, these behaviors could not be allowed to continue. It came down, eventually, to the fact that either everyone was hurt or she was hurt. It was a heartrendering realization, but her behaviors simply could not continue; she almost killed her mother with a baseball bat one night. Less than a minute later she was lying beside Kathy on the floor, completely oblivious to the fact that her mother was bleeding and covered with contusions and semi-conscious. Her brothers scatter whenever Sylvie enters a room where they are. Our oldest, in college, hasn’t been home for a visit for three years; I doubt if he’ll ever come home again. The other two boys are in high school, and Sylvie can take down every one of them when she’s in full adrenaline fury and frustration. Kathy and I together can barely restrain her, even on strong meds, when something sets her off. We can’t continue living like this. It goes far beyond embarrassment at having a daughter who likes to show people her bloody maxipads. We haven’t visited a friend’s home in years, because Sylvie snoops through everything, panics, and starts destroying. Our friends have requested that we keep her away from their small children, and I can’t say I blame them. Understanding? We’ve worked with her, tried to teach/train her, let her injure and alienate our other children, and nearly kill us both. Her intellect is very high when she can calm down enough to use it, but for most of the 24 hours, she’s a time bomb, and when she goes off, everything and everyone in her path is in danger. Now, what advice can any of the autism moms give us? We are actively seeking an institution for Sylvie, and an opening can’t come fast enough. She’s our child and we love her, but we don’t like her a bit, and our sons hate her. Our friends fear her. Neighborhood children run screaming from her. All the local businesses have asked that we do not bring her inside, and I don’t blame them for that, either. She walks in, everyone else in the place walks out. I would too if I could. God help us all. Advice? Please?

  11. I have two autistic sons whose behaviors often invoke raised eyeb rows or worse in public, and in our house too , to be honest. I’m familiar with Stockity’s post and there is no comparison between it and Mamacita’s posts about proper behavior. Actually, I think Stockity got a bad rap from SPED parents far too quick to see rude misunderstanding where none was intended. But Mamacita’s posts about behavior have never even skirted the possibility of poking fun at a child. Parents, sure, but my sons’ public behavior is often so awful I wouldn’t dream of taking them where they might hurt or even annoy, let alone ruin someone’s expensive dinner or evening. Autistic or not, they have no right to do that, and since they can’t help themselves, I don’t take them out to quiet places where even a sneeze makes people look up. I wish I could but I can’t. And if I did, I wouldn’t be at all surprised to be met with scornful glares because I’d deserve them. We go to parks and try to stick to the secluded parts, because my sons can be violent and there is NO WAY I’d risk them hurting someone else’s child. Sigh. I have a shitty life. I love my sons but would I change them if I could? Hell yes. That’s not going to happen so I try to teach them how to act in a world that isn’t very sympathetic to kids who look like windmills in a gale most of the time, and who greet people by knocking out their front teeth. Yes, we have padded doors in our house. Life sucks. I know parents of special kids feel mistreated by society a lot, but let’s face it: sometimes we deserve those glares. OUr innocent kids, no. Me, yes. And maybe you, too. Every trip to a store is expensive. The boys tend to grab and tear up things and yes, I pay for them. I’ve been known to leave a store without what I came for because the boys’ actions were so expensive, I didn’t have money left for cheese. Kevin helps when he can but he works all day and his job is strenuous. Well, so is mine. Now here’s what all of the SPED moms will really gasp and clutch their hearts for: If I had known what would happen if we’d had kids, I would have adopted. And that is no joke. I love my sons, but they are killing us both. they’ve already killed the cat.

  12. I have two autistic sons whose behaviors often invoke raised eyeb rows or worse in public, and in our house too , to be honest. I’m familiar with Stockity’s post and there is no comparison between it and Mamacita’s posts about proper behavior. Actually, I think Stockity got a bad rap from SPED parents far too quick to see rude misunderstanding where none was intended. But Mamacita’s posts about behavior have never even skirted the possibility of poking fun at a child. Parents, sure, but my sons’ public behavior is often so awful I wouldn’t dream of taking them where they might hurt or even annoy, let alone ruin someone’s expensive dinner or evening. Autistic or not, they have no right to do that, and since they can’t help themselves, I don’t take them out to quiet places where even a sneeze makes people look up. I wish I could but I can’t. And if I did, I wouldn’t be at all surprised to be met with scornful glares because I’d deserve them. We go to parks and try to stick to the secluded parts, because my sons can be violent and there is NO WAY I’d risk them hurting someone else’s child. Sigh. I have a shitty life. I love my sons but would I change them if I could? Hell yes. That’s not going to happen so I try to teach them how to act in a world that isn’t very sympathetic to kids who look like windmills in a gale most of the time, and who greet people by knocking out their front teeth. Yes, we have padded doors in our house. Life sucks. I know parents of special kids feel mistreated by society a lot, but let’s face it: sometimes we deserve those glares. OUr innocent kids, no. Me, yes. And maybe you, too. Every trip to a store is expensive. The boys tend to grab and tear up things and yes, I pay for them. I’ve been known to leave a store without what I came for because the boys’ actions were so expensive, I didn’t have money left for cheese. Kevin helps when he can but he works all day and his job is strenuous. Well, so is mine. Now here’s what all of the SPED moms will really gasp and clutch their hearts for: If I had known what would happen if we’d had kids, I would have adopted. And that is no joke. I love my sons, but they are killing us both. they’ve already killed the cat.

  13. Your posts on behavior always make me stop and ponder. I commented here many moons ago on why your behavior posts seem to get a reaction from the special ed parents. I just wanted to pass along a link that I think you’d enjoy from a mom who writes much more eloquently than I about this topic. The post contains some cross-referencing to get to the original post by a blogger named “Smockity” (a blog I’ve never seen until today). http://bit.ly/b1PbYe

  14. Your posts on behavior always make me stop and ponder. I commented here many moons ago on why your behavior posts seem to get a reaction from the special ed parents. I just wanted to pass along a link that I think you’d enjoy from a mom who writes much more eloquently than I about this topic. The post contains some cross-referencing to get to the original post by a blogger named “Smockity” (a blog I’ve never seen until today). http://bit.ly/b1PbYe

  15. To the person who challenged you on Twitter: Allowing a child to play with a toy (making it in less than pristine condition) and not paying for it is technically shoplifting. You have used the item and put it in a condition where it is no longer able to be sold as new; therefore it has to be marked down. This causes a loss in revenue which in turn causes higher prices for everyone. Yes, it is STEALING.

    I would have applauded in K-Mart too. Also, Target is not a place to take your children to “run off steam” on a rainy day. Long story, I”ll do my own blog post on that one!

  16. To the person who challenged you on Twitter: Allowing a child to play with a toy (making it in less than pristine condition) and not paying for it is technically shoplifting. You have used the item and put it in a condition where it is no longer able to be sold as new; therefore it has to be marked down. This causes a loss in revenue which in turn causes higher prices for everyone. Yes, it is STEALING.

    I would have applauded in K-Mart too. Also, Target is not a place to take your children to “run off steam” on a rainy day. Long story, I”ll do my own blog post on that one!

  17. I like the Kmart story. I think a lot of people think only teachers are responsible for what children do and parents bear no responsibility whatsoever. It takes a lot more work to deal with kids who’ve been taught not to respect boundaries.

  18. I like the Kmart story. I think a lot of people think only teachers are responsible for what children do and parents bear no responsibility whatsoever. It takes a lot more work to deal with kids who’ve been taught not to respect boundaries.

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