Mamacita says: Dear students who blew off midterms last week:
I foresee dark and stormy days ahead for you. . . . I predict that something difficult and complicated will loom before you, messing up your social life and playing havoc with your bank account. . . . I fear for your family relationships once the results of your actions become well known. . . .The inner eye sees your tanned and self-satisfied selves looking stunned, and rivaling a toddler in the art of the whine. . . .
Because so many of you have not yet been potty-trained and tend to have accidents in places and situations normally associated with adults I have a soft head heart, I am going to allow you to take a make-up test. After next Wednesday night, you will find your exam in the Testing Center on the main campus. Be sure to pay particular attention to the instructions and limitations, as they are quite different from the instructions and limitations those students who came to class and took their test on the proper day had. Don’t bother to bring your textbook, dictionary, notes, or any electronics. All you will need is a #2 pencil, possibly two of them “just in case.”
Whatever a student who took the exam on the proper day may tell you, pay no attention. YOUR test is different, and your instructions are different. You won’t care overmuch for either, but as you had exactly the same choices those students who showed up on the proper day had, my heart does not bleed for you.
Don’t get me wrong: I hope you all do well. I sincerely do. And if you so much as answer your cell phone while you’re taking that test, your Scan-tron sheet will be shredded. You will take the test there in the Testing Center, under the watchful eyes of the testing monitors, and you will be filmed.
I hope you’re checking your campus email while you’re sunning on that Cancun beach, for if you are, you won’t embarrass yourself by inquiring about the possibility of a makeup test before the end of next week. You will have one week from next Wednesday night to schedule yourself into the Testing Center, and you will finish the test in one sitting. None of you has an IEP or any official special instructions, so these instructions will apply to all of you.
I have already entered a zero for the midterm for each of you who blew it off. If you want that zero changed into something else, be bloody sure you get that test taken before your time is up. After I place your test in the Testing Center, the rest is entirely up to you. If you don’t get yourself up there, the zero stands.
If you allow that zero to stand, you will need to present yourself to the registrar to withdraw from the class. You’ll also be required to pay back your financial aid.
Sincerely, Professor Had-It-Up-To-Here with the lot of you.
P.S. Students who showed up on the proper day get bonus points, which will be added at the end of the semester. Also? These students rock. They’re awesome, while you’re. . . . well, never mind. It was an antonym. I hope you had a good time in Cancun.
P.P.S. Students who took the test on the proper day: your grades are now posted on Blackboard. Congratulations to most of you, for most of you did very well. I’m proud of you.