Why Are We Allowing Schools to Punish the VICTIMS of Bullying, and Not the Bullies?

bullyMamacita says:  There is nothing on the planet as important as our kids, and we really need to keep aware of what’s going on in their world. Even when we don’t like to admit that these things are happening.

Oftimes, those things that are the hardest to believe, are the very things that are really happening.

Look out:  I’m going to rant about bullies here.  Theme:  Bullies suck.

As parents, we sometimes hide behind the “not MY kid” philosophy. I’m sorry, but that one doesn’t work all of the time. It IS your kid, and it’s MY kid, and it’s HER kid, and it’s HIS kid. It’s all of our kids. And even if your kid isn’t actually (insert popular but inappropriate activity here), your kid is being exposed to other kids who ARE.

There has always been peer pressure. It’s worse now than it’s ever been. There have always been bullying, and name-calling, etc. In the old days, such vile little creeps were kicked out of school and sometimes even hauled down to the station and sent to “reform school.” Now, bullies and harassers have “problems,” and need “guidance and understanding,” and should be “coddled” so their “anger issues” can be kept under control. Well, I suppose that’s easier than telling the little shithead to control himself OR ELSE. And then making sure the “or else” is some kind of memorable deprivation.

I wonder why it is, that the parents of the worst and most dangerous kids, are almost always the ones who stand the tallest to fight for their ‘rights?’ Don’t sweet well-behaved kids have any rights? Why are most of the rewards given to kids who terrorize and sneer? Two days of bringing a pencil to class should NOT be grounds for a limo ride. Where is the limo ride for the decent kids who brought pencils to class every single day because that’s what decent kids are SUPPOSED to do? Positive reinforcement is one thing, and barking idiocy is quite another. Oh, it’s for ‘self-esteem?’ Don’t even get me started. Besides, I’ve already ranted about THAT one.

I have a real problem with bullies. I think a school’s focus should be to refer them to some outside source for help, get them the hell OUT of the building so they can’t hurt anyone else, and to concentrate on the feelings of the victims. Why do the bad kids get all the attention? It’s not fair. A school should be a safe haven for all kids. Why has it turned into a safe haven mainly for rotten kids? When did school become the best place to bully and torment and tease? Why don’t we put a firm and heavy foot down on these nasty little terrorists? Oh, right. Their parents. Sorry. I forgot there for a minute. Oh, and they have rights. More rights than nice kids have. “Anger management problems.” Right.

Money talks, doesn’t it. Loudness is heard over fairness. Excuses make more sense than doing what’s right. It’s too hard to be well-behaved; don’t punish a kid for being a kid.

Guess what. Normal kids don’t terrorize, beat up, taunt, attack, and blackmail other kids. Even games penalize for unnecessary roughness; why doesn’t real life? Because schools are afraid of terrorist bullying parents, that’s why. Or even weeping, whiny parents who ‘don’t know how to handle him” but who will take you before the board if you don’t coddle him in every possible way. One irate parent’s opinion is usually enough to cave in an entire school board. Above all things, they fear loss of money and adverse publicity.

Oh sure, I know that LIFE isn’t fair. But shouldn’t it be? And wouldn’t it be, if we all worked harder to make it so?

Bottom line:  We need to stop enabling bullies, punishing their victims, and finding excuses for the bullying behaviors.  We then need to focus on the decent, well-behaved, creative, kind, artistic, musical, literate, in-OR-out-0f-the-box students, and give them what a school was meant to be: a place where those who wish to learn and advance, may do so without being slowed down or stopped completely by, well, anything or anyone.


Comments

Why Are We Allowing Schools to Punish the VICTIMS of Bullying, and Not the Bullies? — 25 Comments

  1. I feel the same way too. Also, I know this may not be on topic but the same thing should go for adults who work at a job because the same thing happens to innocent people there too. But also, as a kid, I got bullied a lot and got punished just for defending myself. But eventually I got the school on my side but that didn’t stop the bullies at all, I had to fight for my rights or at least make sure the teachers or my parents did something about these bullies that bullied me. Also, the job where I work seems to have bullies there too, so the bully problem happens there too and even though adults have to handle it themselves, there’s also some adults who always have the short end of the stick. Well, both adults and kids who are victims often have the short end of the stick and if the kids who are victims don’t get help, than they don’t grow up properly and I should know because I feel that way. But the point is, these bullies need to be punished and stopped while we need to help the victims.

  2. My daughter was sexually abused at school by a boy. We wasnt even called they didnt report it to no one my daughter told us because she was scared school is punishing her and nothing was done to him his dad works for the school this was all admited and i was basically told nothing i can do i found cuts on her arms she is 12 and they told her nothing i can do it i went to personel they said school told them they filed report with cop but i proof 100% with out doubt they lied they put her back with him for him to tell her hes going to rape her aand make it hurt touching her and schools letting him there is so much more to this i will never stop fighting this parents who truly love the kids need to fight to protect them if you dumb ass kid commits a crime he should have to answer to it not be told hes to young it ok we can help the the bully dont need help the victem needs help the bully needs to be punished by law and let know that you pay for your actions when did patents lose the right to protect our children and not care im disapointed my child has to be raped or killed for me to have the right to do protect her our the people in charge im ashamed of and have never been more let down in my life by this system called a school prison is safer for my child her life is becoming a nightmare and all they want to do is protect bullys more and they ask why kid suicides are rising more needs to be done

  3. I am been bully and there keep stick up for bullys there keep use me and stare and be total nightmare some adults are stupid need grow up

  4. The policy of “punish the victim” is one I am familiar with. On one occasion when my 6th grade English teacher caught a pair of students in the act of bullying me. He saw what they were doing. He punished ME for it. In 5th grade, one teacher took me out into the hall and chewed me out for it. I was convinced she was insane. She said that if I didn’t “Stop it [being bullied] right now, I’m going to slap you across the face as hard as I can every day until you do!” My parents later told me they had many heated arguments with the school teachers and administrators. Apparently they were trying to paint me as juvenile delinquent. I’m pretty sure they were threatened with my expulsion.

  5. What is it going to take for these schools to act if even suicides don’t change their minds? I hope this never happens, but someday a parent may take the law into his own hands and do something violent to stop the bullying. Schools need to act now!

  6. I, too, was a victim of victim-punishment in school through the ’80s and early ’90s.

    The short answer to the title question is: “Because there doesn’t appear to be a damn thing we can do about it.”

  7. I hate bullying! Punishing the victim is like the Middle East conflict! Punishing Israel and rewarding it’s bullies! Bullying is wrong! Our school gives suspensions to bullies! So far it’s-working! I can’t believe it! If I were cruel enough to bully I would keep bullying because my punishment is getting out of school for 3 days! That would be a TRUE punishment for my sister but it’s a reward punishment to me!

  8. I think we should find better ways to make the school staff responsible for enabling the bullies and treating the victims like trash. My daughter got bullied the other day and I’m going to go down and rip the proctor a new one verbally for Daring to Demand that my daughter apologize to the bullies. I am also going to arrange a meeting with bullys parents and tell them that if their kids ever lay a hand on mine again that I will file a police report. Shouldn’t it Disturb any rational minded adult that 4th graders held a child down and choked them! Teachers and supervisers need to get off their lazy asses and Do their Damn job. I was bullied as a kid too and teachers don’t give a crap about anything. As to the guy who said we were a nation of sissys you probably are a bully

  9. My 10 year old daughter used to love school until around the middle of Fourth grade, she was being picked on by children in the school and caused my daughter to go through school refusal. We have reported these bullying incidents but apparently these bully’s were talked to and my daughter is making things out for more that what it is, it is in her imagination and the kids at her school are angels. My daughter is now in fifth grade and they have put her on 60 day home hospital schooling, they evaluated her for and IEP and labeled her with an emotional disability. The board of education started coming after me as a parent although they saw me struggle outside the school some days for hours trying to get her in the school, but refused to come help me. Now they are trying to send her to a school where kids with learning disabilities and misbehaved kids go. I know this will only make the situation worse and my daughter does not deserve to go to a school where the bullying is even worse. My daughter is academically bright and up until this last marking period is an honor roll student. I have missed so much work and find it unfair that my daughter is being looked at as the bad student. She behaves very well when in school, does her work and participates. She has lost all trust in the school system and so have I. We are going to look into a private Christian school today and will be trying to get her enrolled. She is so excited about this new school. If she goes to this private school and loves it, there will be a lawsuit filed against the school board. They should not be allowed to get away with this stuff. It is truly wrong, but as it seems it is easier to punish the victim and praise the bully.

  10. yes this is right. I got in so much trouble for standing up for myself to the kid that bullied me. I got fed up with it. I am a Jr. in high school and I have been bullied since my freshman year. At the beginning of this school year I got fed up with being bullied and beat the hell out that guy. My school didnt even get him in trouble but I was suspended from 3 days of school. But I know one thing, he sure hasnt tried to pick on me anymore since then.

  11. yes this is right. I got in so much trouble for standing up for myself to the kid that bullied me. I got fed up with it. I am a Jr. in high school and I have been bullied since my freshman year. At the beginning of this school year I got fed up with being bullied and beat the hell out that guy. My school didnt even get him in trouble but I was suspended from 3 days of school. But I know one thing, he sure hasnt tried to pick on me anymore since then.

  12. @Jane Goodwin:

    “Major thumbs up for you, fellow haters of bullies! I’m fed up with them existing and I wish that they never existed. I believe that everything you typed about bullying and victims is true. There should be more people like you in this world.

    I’ve been bullied a lot and I’m tired of it. Therefore, I want to eliminate bullying from this world forever. Same thing goes for people who support it.”

    @jess:

    “I’m with you and Jane. I suggest that all bully hater should unite against bullies and their butt kissers.”

    @OldOldLady Of The Hi:

    “Another congratulations to you. It pleases me that there are anti-bully people in this world like me.”

    @bonnie:

    “You don’t know how blind you are. Izzy’s freakin’ delusional in that he thinks that all bullied victims should be friends their torturers and give into them. He also blames bullied victims even though he claims that he doesn’t.

    You’re a traitor to goodness if you take Izzy’s advice. By taking that advice, you’re encouraging others to support villainy.”

    @Lauren:

    “I’m so sorry about what happened to you. I can emotionally feel your pain as I’ve gone through a similar situation as you. It pains me that there are people who think and claim that that those who report bullies are weak. They’re the ones who are weak. I mean, not all victims can’t solve all their problems by themselves. Sometimes, they need help.”

    @d kowalski:

    “Shut the hell up, you hypocrite! You’re one of the only bad commentators in this article. Hell, you’re the worst one here because you don’t know what goes on the victims minds. In other words, you don’t put yourself in the victims’ shoes and know what it’s like to bullied.

    In case you haven’t noticed, not every victim is the same. Had it occurred to you that not all victims respond to bullying the same way? Think of how they feel!

    You’re so blind to the suffering of others that you blame them. Hell, you suggest that we should go after criminals instead of name callers but also suggest that we should teach namby pambies not be victims and that this is a nation of sissies. How hypocritical and narrow-minded you are.

    If I hadn’t known any better, I’d say that you secretly kiss the asses of bullies and give into the cliched delusion that only strong survive.

    You insensitive, inconsiderate, and selfish brat! Didn’t your parents teach you to care for others besides yourself? It’s people like you who make the world are a terrible place.

    And since when isn’t name calling a small deal? Not everyone can handle name calling well!

    For example, let’s say you badmouth your elders. That’s just as bad as physical hurting anyone. Whoever came up with the idea that sticks and stones can break bones but words will never hurt anyone is a liar.

    You state that bullying needs to be stopped but use free speech as an excuse to hurt others. Suppose one of your loved ones has an extreme disability or died somebody badmouthed him or her. Would you like that?

    It seems to me that you’re the sissy here in that you’re a coward who bows down to bullies and is afraid to get in trouble for making more victims in this world.

    If you state that bullying should be stopped, don’t use free speech as an excuse to harm anyone. Words can hurt as much as sticks and stones.

    You know? You remind me of pacifists, who are hypocrites because they seem to support bullies and are against necessary violence. If you ask me, you could go to jail if you get a victim in trouble.

    Jane Goodwin’s right about what she typed in this article. You should be grateful that she’s taking a stand against bullying.

    Think about what I’ve told you. If not, you can go straight to hell for all I care.”

  13. @Jane Goodwin:

    “Major thumbs up for you, fellow haters of bullies! I’m fed up with them existing and I wish that they never existed. I believe that everything you typed about bullying and victims is true. There should be more people like you in this world.

    I’ve been bullied a lot and I’m tired of it. Therefore, I want to eliminate bullying from this world forever. Same thing goes for people who support it.”

    @jess:

    “I’m with you and Jane. I suggest that all bully hater should unite against bullies and their butt kissers.”

    @OldOldLady Of The Hi:

    “Another congratulations to you. It pleases me that there are anti-bully people in this world like me.”

    @bonnie:

    “You don’t know how blind you are. Izzy’s freakin’ delusional in that he thinks that all bullied victims should be friends their torturers and give into them. He also blames bullied victims even though he claims that he doesn’t.

    You’re a traitor to goodness if you take Izzy’s advice. By taking that advice, you’re encouraging others to support villainy.”

    @Lauren:

    “I’m so sorry about what happened to you. I can emotionally feel your pain as I’ve gone through a similar situation as you. It pains me that there are people who think and claim that that those who report bullies are weak. They’re the ones who are weak. I mean, not all victims can’t solve all their problems by themselves. Sometimes, they need help.”

    @d kowalski:

    “Shut the hell up, you hypocrite! You’re one of the only bad commentators in this article. Hell, you’re the worst one here because you don’t know what goes on the victims minds. In other words, you don’t put yourself in the victims’ shoes and know what it’s like to bullied.

    In case you haven’t noticed, not every victim is the same. Had it occurred to you that not all victims respond to bullying the same way? Think of how they feel!

    You’re so blind to the suffering of others that you blame them. Hell, you suggest that we should go after criminals instead of name callers but also suggest that we should teach namby pambies not be victims and that this is a nation of sissies. How hypocritical and narrow-minded you are.

    If I hadn’t known any better, I’d say that you secretly kiss the asses of bullies and give into the cliched delusion that only strong survive.

    You insensitive, inconsiderate, and selfish brat! Didn’t your parents teach you to care for others besides yourself? It’s people like you who make the world are a terrible place.

    And since when isn’t name calling a small deal? Not everyone can handle name calling well!

    For example, let’s say you badmouth your elders. That’s just as bad as physical hurting anyone. Whoever came up with the idea that sticks and stones can break bones but words will never hurt anyone is a liar.

    You state that bullying needs to be stopped but use free speech as an excuse to hurt others. Suppose one of your loved ones has an extreme disability or died somebody badmouthed him or her. Would you like that?

    It seems to me that you’re the sissy here in that you’re a coward who bows down to bullies and is afraid to get in trouble for making more victims in this world.

    If you state that bullying should be stopped, don’t use free speech as an excuse to harm anyone. Words can hurt as much as sticks and stones.

    You know? You remind me of pacifists, who are hypocrites because they seem to support bullies and are against necessary violence. If you ask me, you could go to jail if you get a victim in trouble.

    Jane Goodwin’s right about what she typed in this article. You should be grateful that she’s taking a stand against bullying.

    Think about what I’ve told you. If not, you can go straight to hell for all I care.”

  14. “get them OUT of the building so they can’t hurt anyone else, and to concentrate on the feelings of the victims.”
    Hurt feelings? C’mon. Oh, the big bad bully hurt my feelings. Boo-hoo.
    Words only hurt if you let them hurt. The only way a bully’s words can hurt you is if you actually value the bully’s opinion. Bullying needs to be stopped, but the constitution still protects free speech.
    How about teaching these mammy pambies not to be victims. Go after the criminals, those kids that inflict real harm to others, and not the name callers.
    What a nation of sissies we have become.

  15. “get them OUT of the building so they can’t hurt anyone else, and to concentrate on the feelings of the victims.”
    Hurt feelings? C’mon. Oh, the big bad bully hurt my feelings. Boo-hoo.
    Words only hurt if you let them hurt. The only way a bully’s words can hurt you is if you actually value the bully’s opinion. Bullying needs to be stopped, but the constitution still protects free speech.
    How about teaching these mammy pambies not to be victims. Go after the criminals, those kids that inflict real harm to others, and not the name callers.
    What a nation of sissies we have become.

  16. I recently heard that sometimes school officials might psychologically side with a bully. This comes from the theory that the victems are usually socail outcasts and the bullies tend to be the “normal” kids. When the victems report the bullying they are seen as weak by the officials and ignored or looked at as whiners. I was bullyed almost every day when I was in 2nd grade. I would always run to the teacher, but the teacher began to get sick of me and told me to stop “tattle-telling”. It wasn’t until the other kids became violent that the school officals took me and my parents seriously. So what did they do? They transfered me to another school, so I had to start all over with even less friends than I had before, and they put me in a remedial program that was intended for kids with learning disabilities not social disabilities. So my education suffered as well. When I just now heard about this new theory that school officials sometimes look down victims of bully’s it broght up my anger again made me want to do research on this. If anyone has any info I would love to learn more. Thank you.

  17. I recently heard that sometimes school officials might psychologically side with a bully. This comes from the theory that the victems are usually socail outcasts and the bullies tend to be the “normal” kids. When the victems report the bullying they are seen as weak by the officials and ignored or looked at as whiners. I was bullyed almost every day when I was in 2nd grade. I would always run to the teacher, but the teacher began to get sick of me and told me to stop “tattle-telling”. It wasn’t until the other kids became violent that the school officals took me and my parents seriously. So what did they do? They transfered me to another school, so I had to start all over with even less friends than I had before, and they put me in a remedial program that was intended for kids with learning disabilities not social disabilities. So my education suffered as well. When I just now heard about this new theory that school officials sometimes look down victims of bully’s it broght up my anger again made me want to do research on this. If anyone has any info I would love to learn more. Thank you.

  18. Indeed, Indeed! It all is backwards, isn’t it? The bully’s succeed in bullywing the whole school board!!! Good Lord! What a mess….! I would find this all so very very hard Jane….How can this be turned around? I wish there was a good solution.

  19. Indeed, Indeed! It all is backwards, isn’t it? The bully’s succeed in bullywing the whole school board!!! Good Lord! What a mess….! I would find this all so very very hard Jane….How can this be turned around? I wish there was a good solution.

  20. I say this all to often on your blog, but AMEN! I work at a private school right now, and bullies get away with too much, because they are “misunderstood.” No, they are bullies, and they shouldn’t get away with manipulating and tearing others down (mentally, emotionally, and/or physically). I’m sick of seeing it and seeing parents make terrible excuses for their children when they do this stuff. It just makes me wonder where they got the idea that being that way is okay. Yes, parents of these kids, I’m looking at you. Why do they think it’s okay to beat up others?

  21. I say this all to often on your blog, but AMEN! I work at a private school right now, and bullies get away with too much, because they are “misunderstood.” No, they are bullies, and they shouldn’t get away with manipulating and tearing others down (mentally, emotionally, and/or physically). I’m sick of seeing it and seeing parents make terrible excuses for their children when they do this stuff. It just makes me wonder where they got the idea that being that way is okay. Yes, parents of these kids, I’m looking at you. Why do they think it’s okay to beat up others?

    • It’s my pet peeve if there are people out there who bestow favoritism or preferential treatment to ill behaved kids but discriminate better behaved kids.

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