1. I finally figured out the main reason I hate most rap: I can’t stand “near rhymes.”
2. I’m putting up my Christmas tree, which always gives me a bad nosebleed. If I tell you that I’ve collected wondrous ornaments since 1973 before some of you were born or thought of, it might help you understand approximately how many boxes I’ve been bending over into and then standing up over. Times a million. Also? I think there should be a prize for genuinely awful preposition usage.
3. It’s almost 4 a.m., I’ve been working solidly with nary a break since I got home from school at nine-ish, yet even I can’t tell that I’ve done much at all. The house does smell like furniture polish, so that’s something. Be careful on the stairs; they’re slick. Ask me how I know.
4. Can anybody explain the physics behind why X number of boxes which fit perfectly inside a closet, once removed, will not then fit back in no matter how hard you try? I think it’s like folding a map: only someone with the talent can do it, but wouldn’t most people prefer a cooler talent?
5. An 18-pound turkey has been slowly thawing in my refrigerator for a week now. Every time I open the ‘fridge door, I feel compelled to give the turkey a poke and a pinch. I rationalize this by reminding myself that it’s vital that I know how thoroughly the turkey is thawing. This being the case, why do I always make sure nobody’s watching when I do it? I find this disturbing on several levels. I suspect that my behavior here has something to do with the fact that I have always anthropomorphised everything in the house – go ahead and ask my daughter – including what’s flushed down the toilet, and in the back of my mind I can hear the turkey giggling and telling me to stop tickling it. Sometimes I sense that the turkey is cold. I need to get over this one because on Thursday morning, I’m going to rip this turkey’s gut-sack out, stuff it with onions, and throw it into the oven, Hansel-and-Gretel’s-witch-style, or Mrs. Lovett; you pick an image, and I don’t want to hear the turkey screaming, because I do not intend to spare it.
6. I made almost a hundred yeast rolls tonight. It’s a good batch, too. I give most of them away; come on over. Apple pie, too. Tomorrow? Pecan pies and a cherry pie. I love to make pies.
7. Would someone please remind me to set out some persimmon pulp to thaw? Thankyouverymuch.
8. Christmas cards are fun.
9. It’s easy to polish woodwork if you’re wearing socks.
10. There were so many cobwebs on my ceiling fan blades that the ladybugs were stuck in them.
11. During ladybug season, I don’t eat popcorn because the old maids look exactly like ladybugs, and what if I ate a bowl of popcorn and found a ladybug at the bottom? I have to poke all the old maids to make sure one of them is not a ladybug.
Oops, one too many. So sue me.